You have to forgive me for taking so long to write again, I have been going through many mixed emotions in regards to where I am in my life; excitement, anxiety, fear, anger, longing. Much has changed in the last two years; I moved back to the Pacific Northwest with my husband, bought a house, got married, graduated college, and started a job in a new industry that ironically has nothing to do with my degree. Taking a look back at the last couple years brings me nothing but joy, all the new experiences and milestones that I was able to share with my best friend is astounding, but looking to the future and what is to come stops me in my tracks. What do I want to do? What is supposed to happen? Is that different from what will make me truly happy? Should I trust my own thoughts and emotions during this time or am I too distracted and confused to make a healthy decision?
When I close my eyes I see myself, my husband, and our dogs in a sleepy, tropical beach town with the sun shining on our little beach bungalow as the breeze travels through the open doors. Outside there is a jungle with monkeys that can be heard in the distance and all the mystical creatures a jungle holds, both real and in our imaginations and childhood fairy tales. But, is this realistic or is this a fantasy because it represents pure relaxation and bliss (and possibly resembles romantic, perfect Fiji where my husband proposed to me) while I am currently in a time of uncertainty? Is it because, as I write this, I sit in soggy, wet Washington where winter is right around the corner and rainy season will last through April? Is it because rainy season will last through May and a tropical beach is a perfect juxtaposition of my current situation? Is it because we are visiting the beautiful islands of Thailand next month? Or is this a true dream that I would regret not chasing?
Too many questions and I am not even sure where to start.
Over the last week, I have been looking through job boards to find a new job as mine is currently a temp position, even after two years on the job. The problem is, finding a job is exponentially harder when you have no idea what you want to do. I get anxious and depressed throughout the day because my current job is not ideal and I want out, but taking out my laptop to find jobs to apply to makes my anxiety fly through the roof and the next thing I know I am in an existential crisis. The silver lining? (Oh yeah, I am alllll about finding the silver lining) The silver lining is that most of the people I have talked to have gone through a similar time in their life, there only seems to be a small subset of people that know their calling from an early age. Is it better to know your calling and what you want to do from an early age, or does it help you in the long run if you try many things just to find out it is not for you? Hey, at least you got experience and have a new skill! It is probably a situation that is “six of one, half dozen of another” and can’t be logically analyzed and defined. From one side of the road, looking in on someone else knowing what they want to do seems easier, but the grass is always greener.
So, where do we go from here? In school, especially college, I would take classes and find out a subject wasn’t for me and move on, I changed my major at least three times because of this. However, I ended up finding a major that I thoroughly enjoyed and I excelled at, that is a hard combination to find. Taking this lesson from college, I’m going to attempt to relax and go with the flow. If I don’t like a job or the industry, I don’t have to stay. I’m bound and determined to find a career that simultaneously makes me happy and allows me to live the lifestyle I want for myself.
In the meantime, I will soak up every minute of this Pacific Northwest winter because who knows where life will take me. One day, I may be on that tropical beach craving the smell of fresh rain and pine trees. The grass really is greener, huh?
Until next time.